Moving Beyond The Pity Party

Issues in Forgiveness

In the book Sacred Fire, Ronald Rohlheiser reminds us that: “ all of us have been wounded. No one comes to adulthood with his or her heart intact. In ways small or traumatic, we have ALL been treated unjustly, violated, hurt, ignored, not properly honored, and unfairly cast aside. We all carry wounds, and, with those wounds, we all carry anger, bitterness, and some unforgiveness.” 

As a result of the hurtful words and antics of others, we could become (or are) victims. We could be stuck in our own little Pity Party. Here are some common characteristics of the victim in us:

1. “Woe-is-me” mindset and wanting others to feel sorry for us. 

2. Sulking, moaning, whining, complaining, and criticizing our offenders for treating us so badly.

3. Why me? How could all these terrible things happen to me? We certainly did not deserve this kind of treatment.

4. Victims “obsess” over the real or perceived hurts they have received. They replay their Grievance Story over and over again. They cannot forgive and move on.

5. Victims love to discuss their “rights”. The offenses against them should have never happened. How dare others to treat them in this manner?

6. Many victims are sad, lonely, despondent, or even in depression. They are stuck in a weird “comfort zone” of feeling sorry for themselves. It’s what they know in life.

7. Victims seem to love CONTROL. Since they were not in control when injured, they now want to control everything and everyone, as a means of not getting hurt again.

CS Lewis was quoted to have said: “ The moment you have a self at all, there is the possibility of putting yourself first--- wanting to be the center--- wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race.”

As victims, we might have an elevated sense of “self-importance”. Romans 12:3 reminds us: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.”  We also might be caught up too much with a “woe-is-me” syndrome and issues with: 

• Self-confidence

• Self Seeking

• Self Admiration

• Self Absorption

• Self Love

• Self Entitlements (to ensure we are getting what we feel we deserve, especially after being treated so poorly.) 

Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. (2 Corinthians 13:5)

As victims, we could allow life’s hurts and injustices to dictate our emotional state. Bitterness could override our receiving the Fruits of the Holy Spirit described in Galatians 5:22-23.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:15-19, we read great advice about overcoming our victimhood: See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

It is very difficult to give thanks while clinging to self-pity. We change our minds from being a victim to being grateful for God and the people in our lives--- even for our offenders. In Romans 6:6, we read: We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin (being a victim) might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

A continued victim mindset in us is rooted in “self-centeredness”. We need to move beyond ourselves: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking at your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Questions to Ponder:

1. Are you still a victim to the hurts of the past?

2. What is one thing you could do today to become LESS of a victim?

3. Could you “throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception?” (Ephesians 4: 20-24) 

For Your Consideration:

 As noted above, we can all be victims as a result of the harm and hurts we’ve received in life. It’s easy to slip into “how could this have happened to me”? As Jesus’ disciples, we need to surrender ourselves to the loving Graces of Jesus and forgive our offender’s from the past. We need to move beyond the Pity Party and being a perpetual victim. Moving on with forgiveness enables us to focus more on what our Lord has in store has for us right here and right now.