What Do We Do With All That Anger?

Issues in Forgiveness

We looked at what ANGER is in a previous blog, and how we react to anger in our lives. Are we still angry ourselves, and not even aware of it? It’s now time to look at what TO DO about it. Let’s begin to examine our anger:

1. Realizations:

• We’ve begun to realize that living with anger is just NOT good for us physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. It could be eating us alive. Sustained and unresolved anger IS SIN and prevents us from having a pleasing Spirit before God. 

• Life is too short to live with unresolved anger. We need to FIGURE OUT what is causing us to be angry. Are the actions or words of others reconciled, or forgiven yet?  

• We come to understand that living with anger is a colossal waste of time and energy. It robs us of living in the Joy of the Lord. We need to figure out ways to get the anger resolved in our own minds.  

• Other people notice our surly and cantankerous ways. Words spoken in anger are often offensive and hurtful to others. While angry, we are hard to be around. Is that us?

• We are reminded in James 1:19-20: Understand this my dear brothers and sisters: You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. So get rid of all filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the Word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.

2. Questions to Ponder--- for ourselves: 

• What has made us so Angry? What did others do that we found so objectionable?

• Are we still angered too easily--- flying off the handle over minor events?

• Did we over-react to the words and behaviors of others?

• Did we take things way too personally?

• Have we made a mountain out of a molehill?

• Are we regularly too “thin-skinned”, assuming others are just out to get us?

• Are we righteously indignant, like the elder brother in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, in Luke 15:11-32?

• Do we have a double standard of expected behavior from others, when our own behavior is frequently not so pleasing to God either?

• Consider the words in Ephesians 4:26-27: And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. 

3. Advice from friends? (Who may lack understanding of our situation.) They might say:

• Oh... Just get over it…Let all that anger go!

• Chill dude… relax

• Venting and ranting are ok--- best to “get it off our chest”? Venting and ranting may make matters even worse!

• Consider these verses in James 3: 5-6: In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a forest fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It’s a whole world of wickedness, corrupting the entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

• It’s best to meet with good friends, or mentors, who know us, and our backgrounds, who truly know our situation. We can talk through exactly what has made us so angry. They can Pray with us, and encourage us to forgive the people who caused us to become so angry. They can share from their own lives about what has worked well for them.  

4. What DOES work in relieving all that Anger?

a) Prayerfulness! Are we submitting and surrendering our anger to Jesus? 

• We CAN pray for the heart of Jesus in FORGIVING others, which is the key to releasing our anger. We need to pray for the desire, the strength, the courage, the energy, and the will to forgive others, for all the harm they have caused in us. We need His supernatural powers and grace to enable all this to happen. Jesus will help us if we ask.

• We CAN become Prayer Commandos on behalf of the people who hurt us. We are actually praying for their souls--- that they too could truly come to know Jesus as their own Lord and Savior. This converts anger into kindness on behalf of the very people who did us harm.

• We CAN pray for the UNDERSTANDING of the people who harmed us. They did bad things for a reason. In many cases, they have pain in their own lives, and we became the unfortunate scapegoats of their words or actions. Our prayers DO NOT exonerate or excuse their actions, however, our prayers can lead to helping us gain a heart of mercy or compassion for them. We can forgive them more easily when we understand the circumstances.

• We CAN seek our Lord’s forgiveness, for all the ways that WE contributed to the problems in prior relationships. Did we fan the flame of discord, rancor, animosity, or hostility by our own words or actions? We can ask for Jesus’ forgiveness. We need to accept his gift of forgiveness.

• Philippians 4:6-7: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ.

b) Scriptures that help us to be healed. My GO-TO Scriptures include the following:

• Luke 23:34:” Father, forgive them, for they don’t know(didn’t know) what they were doing”. Many of our “harmer’s” lived in an altered reality. They truly did not know what they were doing.

• Matthew 6:14-15: If we refuse to forgive others, our Father will not forgive us.  

• James 2:13: There will be no mercy for us at judgment if we have not shown mercy to others.  

• Colossians 3:12-15: We must clothe ourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. To me, this is the greatest Scripture on forgiveness. It’s ALL in one place.  

• Ephesians: 4:31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (These are great reminders here.)

• Matthew 5:43-48: Jesus is calling us to “love our enemies”. In so doing, we will be acting as true children of our Father in heaven.  

• Matthew 5:38-42: Jesus is calling us to not retaliate. If someone slaps us on the right cheek, offer the other cheek as well. He calls us to “do good” to those who wrong us. Instead of planning vengeance, pray for those who hurt us. 

• Matthew 18:21-22: How many times should we forgive someone? Not seven times, but seventy times seven. It’s unlimited forgiveness.

• Ephesians 3:14-21: How wide, and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ? In verse 20: Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

• Mathew 7:1-3: Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treated others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?

• Psalm 19:14: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart find favor before You, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (While angry and unforgiving, our words and thoughts ARE NOT pleasing to God!)

• Philippians 4:8-9: And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, and right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me--- everything you heard and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

The above Scriptures, and many others, are important in the process of Forgiveness, and the RELEASE of anger in our lives. In 2 Timothy 3:16-17, we hear Paul the Apostle reminds us: All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work. 

c) 1st Thought, 2nd Thought… We think about what happened and quickly become angry (again). We need to CAPTURE our thoughts. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, we read: We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We CAPTURE their rebellious (angry) thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2nd thought? Oh boy, here we go again. I am just NOT going to allow this anger to destroy my well-being. I’m praying with Jesus, to RELEASE all this anger.

d) Understand the Perpetrators of Harm? Over the years, I’ve often wondered why others “do what they do”, especially when their words and actions directed at me or others were harmful. In just about every case, I learned enough to know that others were “reacting” to situations from their own past lives. They had not resolved the pain of their own lives, so just shoved it out, or lashed it out on others. It’s an unfortunate reality in humans--- this “taking things out” on others, and WE were in the wrong place at the wrong time to receive it all! This “understanding” has enabled me to shift from judgments to mercy and compassion. In other words, if I’d been in a similar situation, I might have reacted in a similar, or even worse manner. 

e) Vent Letter Plus Process:

 One of my go-to methods for the release of anger, and moving to forgiveness is this “vent letter plus”. I believe it was from our Lord for me. It is helpful every time I use it. I hope it will help you too. Here are the 5 steps:

1)  Rage on the page… We begin to write down all the details of what happened to cause us harm. We are free to write adjectives about the people who caused us pain. We try to find good things to say as well. We are realistic and honest about what happened. We let it all fly—getting every detail onto the paper in front of us. I have found that writing it all down transfers the anger I am feeling to the paper in front of me.

2)  Our mistakes in this? Goof Ups?  In most of my problem relationships, I contributed to arguments, rancor, hostilities, or animosity. I was too prideful, tried to exert control, or was too critical or judgmental. I realized that I needed to REPENT, and in some cases have asked certain individuals to forgive me. It has been great to realize my own errors. Now--- there are many cases where we did nothing wrong. An innocent child who suffers abuse from a parent or another adult is a good example. We need to confess our own sins and errors for healing.

3) What did we learn?  Living through the pain of others’ words and actions is no fun. I’ve learned valuable lessons like what NOT to do, who NOT to be, and to get business agreements in writing. I’ve learned to be a lot more careful about who I trust. I’ve also learned that our loving Lord has been involved in every bit of everything that happened, and guided, protected, and loved me through it all. I’ve learned that I need to become an Automatic Forgiver--- no matter what others do or say. My friendship with Jesus has grown immensely as a result of looking at what was learned in the middle of adversity. 

4) Blessings amid all the Pain? How could there be Blessings amid all the ugliness of hurt, harm, injury, and pain? Getting to the other side of these tough situations helps us to GROW as Christians. We’ve seen God at work in His protection, His guidance, His love, and His healings. He has gotten us through some miserable times. He protected us and helped us to survive in some miserable times. In fact, He has helped us to thrive, and teach others about forgiveness. So much of my personal journey and friendship with Jesus has come about in the refiner's fire around anger and forgiveness. Although I would not want to relive any of the ugly times, I know God was with me every second. For that, I am very grateful. 

5) Opportunities Now? What’s next? This is where we can decide to just “move on”( forgive), to reconcile if possible, to actively Pray and Intercede for others. It was in this stage, that I picked up the phone a few years ago, to ask a former adversary to forgive me. (We’d be on tense terms for years.) In about a 10-minute phone conversation (the best we’d ever had), the tension and rancor just disappeared. There were admissions of errors from both of us. The hatchet got buried. I’d suggest picking up the phone with anyone with whom we are still angry, to do our best to get the situation resolved. Our Lord will provide us the courage, and the words to say. 

For Your Consideration:  In James 3:17-18, we are reminded well of what our mindsets and actions should be: But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.”