What About All That Anger?

Issues in Forgiveness

In the movie Seabiscuit, the jockey Red Pollard is asked: “what are you so mad at”? In his case, he’s angry about being abandoned by his family during the Great Depression. His anger badly affected his life for many years. Is ANGER affecting your life as well?

What is ANGER? It’s a very human emotion. When we are mad we can be:

Annoyed, aggravated, bothered, or displeased. We can be disappointed or even outraged. We experience rage, wrath, or fury. We are ticked off. We are MAD! We can feel antagonism toward someone or something we feel has deliberately done us wrong. Hostility rises up in us, usually against one or more other people.

Why do we get Angry? Here are some common reasons:

• Inner suffering… a spouse runs off with another person; a so-called friend betrays us.

• Guilt, shame, or regrets from our own failures. We are mad at ourselves.

• Injustices or unfairness directed at us. Why did I have to grow up in an alcoholic family? Why was I ignored for a job for which I was qualified?  

• We are treated badly. We are blamed for something we did not do, or not recognized for the service we rendered which was outstanding.

• We are criticized harshly and unfairly. The ugly words directed at us were so unnecessary. A parent was always on our case. We were the scapegoats for someone else’s rage. 

• Being abused—physically, mentally, sexually. The scars in us run deep. The abuse makes us mad. 

• Being taken advantage of by bullies or control freaks. We are manipulated by others to achieve our wants and desires.  

• Cheated out of small or large sums of money. What was promised was never received. 

• Overlooked or ignored at work. Passed over for a job we deserve--maybe company politics at play? 

• Trust is violated. Promises made were never kept. Someone we trusted really hurts us.

• We are disrespected, threatened, or demeaned by others.

• We are MAD AT GOD for allowing others to hurt us, and mad at God for NOT to doing anything about it.

How do we react when Angry? We can:

1. Vent, rant, or “go ballistic” over minor events in life. “Road rage” is a good example.

2. Plot revenge to “get even”. “I will get this ____, if it’s the last thing I ever do!” 

3. Become surly, moody, or cantankerous--- even vicious and nasty.

4. Lash out at others and offend people around us. Others are getting a “piece of our mind.”

5. NUMB our anger with alcohol, drugs, or over-eating. We think these will help us get over our rage. They only make things worse.

6. Internalize (swallow) our own rage, which can make us sad, lonely, despondent, or depressed. We drink the poison, and hope the other person dies!

7. Blame God for what happened, when in reality it was the sin and wrongdoing of others that caused the problems.

8. We OVER-REACT to a call or email, or take something very personal, when the communication was not intended for us at all.

9. Stomp our feet like a petulant child, demanding that we get our way.

10. Remain bitter and resentful about what “others did to us”. We make vows to “never speak to this person ever again.”

Have we AVOIDED dealing with our Anger? Some common “avoidance” techniques:  

1. Denial?

• Pretend nothing really happened to us. 

• We DENY how much the offenders hurt us.

• We do not wish to confront or grapple with our own anger. 

• We “push off” our anger, hoping it will all just go away on its own.

2. Suppression?

• We push thoughts about what happened from our consciousness.

• We distract ourselves with other activities so that we do not think about the events causing the anger. We BURY ourselves in work, hobbies, or obsessive exercise so that we never slow down long enough to think about the past events which have caused so much anger. 

• Suppression is unhealthy because we never face unfairness or deal with our own emotional pain and anger.

3. Repression?

• We push away all the trauma of past events--- all memory is gone.

• It’s selective amnesia. It’s too hard to think about past events.

• Signs include: Irrational or terrifying fear of a location or activity, or we hate someone else for no apparent reason.

• It’s important to separate false memories from real ones.

4. Displacement?

• We transfer anger from one person to another e.g. A husband is still angry with his own mother but transfers his unresolved anger to his wife.

• We take out our anger on someone else, often unfairly!

5. Regression?

• We act like a petulant child--- never really growing up, due to anger.

• We avoid making mature decisions about dealing with our anger and pain.

• A hard-working and mature person at the office turns into a raging maniac at home with angry words and behaviors against his own wife and kids.

The ideas in the section above came from a book called Forgiveness is a Choice, by Robert Enright. 

Questions to Ponder: (From Enright’s book)

• How have you avoided dealing with your anger?

• Have you faced your anger?

• Are you afraid to expose shame or guilt? 

• Has your anger affected your health?

• Have you been obsessed with the injury or the offender?

• Do you compare your situation with that of the offender?

• Has the injury caused a permanent change in your life?

• Has the injury changed your worldview?  

For Your Consideration: 

Our anger can also work as a positive and motivational emotion. It can help us to express negative feelings and motivate us to find new solutions to problems. We will explore “How to deal with Anger” in our next Forum article (# 55) coming out near September 15th. In the meantime, please consider the following Scripture from Matthew 5:21-22: You have heard that our ancestors were told, ’You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment. But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.’

Unresolved and harbored anger can become a SIN because it violates God’s command to love. As noted, uncontrolled anger can lead to seething, brooding bitterness against someone. Anger can be a dangerous emotion always threatening to leap out of control, can lead to violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage. Anger keeps us from developing a pleasing spirit before God. 

We will suggest what to DO about anger in Volume #55! Thanks for reading. Please call me or email me, if you have questions or thoughts.