Working on Self Forgiveness

How Do I Forgive?

A few nights ago, I was having a dream, and an old “adversary” was in the dream. At one point, I considered this person a mentor but soon learned that he could not be trusted. I was cheated out of a lot of compensation I earned and betrayed by him and his partner. Promises made were not kept.

I believe dreams can be “windows” that reveal things deep within us. The Holy Spirit is trying to help us. Some of these can clue us into a need for “more work”—or a way to clear things out. As I recalled the dream, I was asking our Lord for insights. What was our Lord trying to teach me? As I made notes about this old relationship, a common theme emerged--- that many of the problems were actually CAUSED BY me. It occurred to me that the person I had the most trouble forgiving was me.

What did I do, to “fan the flame of discord and animosity”? Here are a few of the problems I created in this situation:

1. I decided to join the mentor’s firm because I was very angry with someone else. I felt I needed an ESCAPE from a manager who was a huge disappointment to me.

2. I IGNORED the senses I clearly heard from the Holy Spirit about joining. I was hearing “this could be trouble” from the Holy Spirit, and quickly rejected it figuring I could overcome whatever might happen-- in my own power. I did experience trouble and it turned into an unmitigated disaster.

3. I should have insisted that ALL business agreements be agreed upon in writing. I was too naive, assuming that a handshake or a man’s word would be enough. It was not! 

4. I should have checked out this person more thoroughly before joining. He was INCAPABLE of being a good mentor, for a variety of reasons. I thought I knew him pretty well. Boy, was I ever disappointed.

5. In retrospect, I forced my way into the firm. The firm was not set up to work with someone like me, but I did so anyway. I was not all that welcomed. I did not read this upfront.

6. I assumed that his success would rub off on me, just by being part of the same firm. This was not true either. I did not think this through. I was just wrong. What was I thinking? 

7. I carried and harbored animosity, grudges, resentments, and bitterness way too long after I left this mess. This was SIN on my part.

Well… we ALL make mistakes. “To err is human; to forgive is divine” (Alexander Pope.) Some of our mistakes were SINFUL. And we may still be beating ourselves to death over past wrongdoing. We could be STEEPED in self-loathing over what we did, or did not do. A question to us could remain in our minds: “how could I have been so stupid”? Or… “Why did I do that?” We could be STUCK in:

• Guilt, shame, and regrets over past actions, words, or behaviors.

• Embarrassment over what we did or didn’t do. We just blew it! 

• Relentless self-deprecation and criticism of ourselves, make us feel unworthy to serve the Lord and others. We might think: I’m just not good enough. I’m a loser.

• Replaying our personal grievance story about how dumb we were.

Why do we continue to beat ourselves up?

1. We may have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, and others. We have standards for ourselves that are “out-of-this-world”. 

2. Our nature might be to criticize and judge ourselves too harshly.

3. Our internal “critic” does not easily accept ourselves as good enough. We don’t believe that God will forgive us for our past sins.

4. Our “standards” for ourselves are out of whack and this causes us to judge ourselves harshly when things do not go perfectly. We become easily disappointed in ourselves, and others.

How do we “get over” ourselves and move on?

• Become AWARE of our tendencies to be so self-critical. 

• Confess our wrongdoing to Jesus, and realize that He forgives us and forgets what happened.

• Learn to let go of everything that is “imperfect” around us. Guess what? The world and ALL people are imperfect. It IS a fallen world.

• God has forgiven us. Isn’t it high time for us to accept His love and forgiveness for ourselves?

• Learn from God’s Word about how our Lord has FORGIVEN us and is continually making us a new creation in Him:

1. Isaiah 43: 18-19…But forget all that--- it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do. For I am about to do something new see? I have already begun: Do you not see it?

2. Isaiah 43:25… I—yes—alone will BLOT out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again!

3. Mark 2:5… When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “My son, your sins are forgiven.”

4. Ephesians 3:17-19… May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith, and may charity be the root and foundation of your life. Thus, you will be able to grasp fully, with all the holy ones, the breadth, and length and height and depth of Christ’s love which surpasses all knowledge, so that you may attain to the fullness of God himself. 

5. 2 Corinthians 5:17…This means that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old order has passed away; now all is new.

6. Romans 5:8… But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

7. Romans 6:23… For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.  

A Few Suggestions:

1. Our past lives are over, and we cannot change a thing from the past.

2. We CAN confess our own Sin and know our Lord has forgiven us.

3. We CAN apologize to others we’ve hurt, and ask for their forgiveness.

4. We CAN begin to forgive ourselves as well and let ourselves off the hook.

5. We CAN be kinder to ourselves and STOP the replay of events where we remind ourselves of our own errors, mistakes, or sins. Cut ourselves some slack? Have some compassion for ourselves?

6. We CAN allow Jesus to just love us--- especially in our wrongdoing. We are humans, and we all make mistakes. He knows that so well. 

7. We CAN learn from the past and resolve to get better in allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us. Let us NOT be bound by the past.

8. We CAN decide to accept and receive His love and forgiveness for ourselves. It IS His ongoing gift to us. 

Questions to Ponder:

• Are you still beating yourself up over past mistakes?

• Could you begin to “back off” on self-criticism, and allow yourself to move on in life?

• Will you graciously accept Jesus’ gift of forgiveness, and apply it to yourself?  

For Your Consideration:

There is an expression that goes…” I’m not ok, you’re not ok, but that’s ok!” Living with constant self-criticism is no way to live. We ALL make mistakes. We can learn from them, and just move on. Our mistakes can be some of our best teachers in life. Glory to Jesus! 

I’m always interested in hearing about your journey in forgiveness. Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like a listening ear or some simple Prayers.